Funny how one never loses insecurities. I am the proverbial “one” in this scenario. As I have mentioned before, I have lost around 40 pounds since March–something I am very proud of. The compliments from people who know me still surface, and I feel great and for the first time in a long time, feel like I look great too. But it takes so little to set your mind off again to a “I wish I was like that” mentality.
This weekend, I purchased a special deal for a Bikram Yoga studio that just opened up in my neighborhood. I haven’t done Bikram for a while, but when I did, I loved it. It was a little expensive to continue. So when I saw the deal and realized how much easier it would be 40 pounds down, I was hooked.
My first class on Monday was fantastic. I did everything well, and held myself with confidence. Then came yesterday.
I guess in a sea of stick people wearing teeny-tiny LuluLemon booty shorts and spindly sports bras, I was bound to feel like a loaf in workout capris and just a basic exercise tank. Maybe that’s what I felt like–a tank. You’re supposed to ignore your image while in yoga. Yesterday, I couldn’t do that. I thought to myself, why the hell have you allowed yourself to wear this? My eyes focused on the place I hate the most–my muffin top, and as sweat drenched me, I felt like it looked worse and worse.
The instructor at one point came over to me to double check one of my poses, repositioned me, and whispered “let it go”. He most likely meant my stress or perhaps even my neck, but at that moment, to me, he meant my stomach, my obsessing, my negative feelings.
But it’s so hard. Most likely, I will never be one of those stick people in LuluLemon booty shorts and spindly sports bra. I don’t think I want to be one of those people. But I want to be happier when I look in the mirror. When I began to plateau last month, I grew frustrated. Perhaps I am still there. I am about 10-15 pounds away from my goal. I know I can do it. I am wearing an 8 instead of a 14.
I laugh as “Homely Girl” plays right now. This song has cracked me up for so many years. Funny how songs pop up at random that fit perfectly with what’s on my mind. It reminds me of homilies at church–they work, click.
So as I pack for Thanksgiving and prepare to pack on the calories and food, I know that for two days in a row, I did Bikram and survived. On Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I will return. This girl’s no stick figure–I have curves. Thank God.
O Le Le–Ozomatli
A View to a Kill–Duran Duran
Skating–Vince Guaraldi Trio
Running on Empty–Jackson Browne
You Make My Dreams–Hall & Oates
Homely Girl–The Chi-Lites