Just by glancing at tonight’s playlist, one thing comes to mind: taking chances. In Avenue Q, Princeton says “Life may be scary, but only for now”.
I’m trying very hard to live in the moment lately. Despite my self-diagnosed adult ADD, I am a traditional Virgo deep in my core, and when plans change or are broken, well, I don’t always roll with the waves. I usually spit and sputter and doggy paddle against the current, desperately trying to return to the spot where I should be.
I lived by my watch since I was a kid. I collected watches as a matter of fact. When I was 27, I decided to stop wearing one. I’m a wild child. I am happy to report that despite vacations and one summer of grad school, I have kept the Swiss Army off my wrist. However, I’m not sure if this was a good idea. Now I tend to leave for activities, places, appointments several minutes too late. I usually arrive on the dot or less than a minute late, which is improved from my 20-minutes-early past. But this near punctuality is not without a price. My procrastination and tardiness result in a flushed, winded, sweaty version of myself, often perceived as frazzled or harried, or some other flattering adjective for lunatic.
I tend to cram everything into small amounts of time. Busy feet keep my mind busy, which in my bizarre logic, means productive, innovative, and even proactive. I think it’s because I secretly covet long spans of time in which I am required to do absolutely nothing. My friends and loved ones humble this side of me. They indulge my desire to fit dinners and drinks and manicures in tightly filled compartments, where there’s no room for running behind or throwing a wrench into pre-set plans. And they are patient with my understated tantrums and brief, unspoken frustration.
I’m trying though. I’ve started going to more and more events where I try new things…like making sourdough bread, or watching literary death matches. I don’t fear talking to new people, never have. But taking chances can often cause me to question my own authenticity. Are my new interests sincere or am I grasping at straws?
I must say, starting this blog was a big departure for me. It’s terrifying. I can’t really explain why. It lies somewhere in my 13 year old ego, still insecure about putting myself on display. But today I wore hot pink high heels, and secretly relished in the compliments, the looks, the way I walked. I’ve found a new confidence within myself recently, and although each change is a small change, I can’t stop. At least not now. So Preston, everything in life is only for now.
For Now–Avenue Q
I’ll Be Your Baby Tonight–Bob Dylan
She’ll Hang the Baskets–Cake
All or Nothin’–Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Can’t Stop–Mayer Hawthorne feat. Snoop Dogg
Humble Me–Norah Joes